Till Death Do Us Part | 'ask dorothy' | A Real Life Client Story | The WISDOM podcast S2 E49

'ask dorothy'

Till Death Do Us Part | A Real Life Client Story

The WISDOM podcast  Season 2 Episode 49

 

There are always multiple perspectives to any story.  One objective in couples therapy is to help both individuals speak the truth; to no longer hold onto what they each have told themselves is permissible or acceptable, for whatever their reasons may be and to examine their part in the relationship breakdown or in this case, final death.

 

In my work with couples therapy, the attention is also directed towards each individual member so that each may begin to examine themselves in a way that would allow for self-honesty and to be able to make the changes that are necessary to improve the relationship but also to improve upon one’s self and to live authentic and true.

 

My other client; the husband was lost in his anger; the anger that was exacerbated by feelings of betrayal and his world crumbling around him. The only reason he claimed to remain under the same roof indefinitely, was to secure a means of seeing his children.

 

When you have dishonesty, secrecy, lies, and deception; regardless of the reasons you tell yourself in order to make this okay, you actually build greater distance from your partner. You also create fragmentation from your authentic self. Every dishonest action, every act of deception builds a fortress of walls, disconnection and lies that forges a wedge; that makes it nearly impossible for you to be transparent. This is also called ‘living a double life’.

 

This client kept secret his gambling addiction and a large debt he had accumulated whilst the couple was dating. He also kept hidden his binges on cocaine that he convinced himself were allowable and justified in dealing with his wife’s affair.

 

If you are not able to be truthful and honest in what is the most important relationship you will ever have with another person; if you are convinced that you need to hide parts of yourself, your actions, your choices and to live this double or secret life, then this marks the ending of what you thought you had. Without the ability of both members to be honest and truthful; you cannot have the transparency and complete trust that allows for a love relationship to be sacred.

 

Consider this for a moment. Do you have complete and whole honesty in your love relationship? Can you be and express yourself without fear that you will be judged by your partner? Do you question whether you have the approval of your partner and do you constantly seek this, because their expectations of you may not be realistic nor aligned with your deepest values and morals? Sometimes we do not even know that our partner has expectations of us (which may or may not be reasonable) until they are unhappy or angry with us for not fulfilling these.

 

And in this true life client story; as we continued to unpack still more layers of the past; it became apparent that only one member of the couple was willing to come clean; to find their way beyond the deceptions, lies, and dishonesty; and their fear of speaking the truth. The other member at the time of writing this, continued to have an inconsolable need to be in control by seeking power through means of instilling fear; being abusive; in continued secrecy and deception; and the ever-present feelings of hatred and contempt.

 

Without both members willingness to reveal their whole truth and to stand in the light of what this would mean for what needed to then be healed, there would be no turning back.

 

There was no fixing this; there would only be the saving of each person’s self in being separate; in examining one’s own actions and the need to find wholeness in living authentic and true to one’s self first.

 

What you need in order to have a loving relationship that will continue to grow with each person’s own deliberate and continued desire to evolve and improve: is unconditional love and support; whole honesty and truthfulness in all moments, and the ability to be yourself as you are; with flaws, insecurities; with good habits or bad ones; all whilst both members become more.

 

By definition “more” is about self-awareness and positive change that allows for self-improvement and personal growth. This allows each person to experience wholeness; to heal from what has happened in their past, and to continue to become all of the person that they are capable of; and this includes consciousness (that is self-awareness, observation and self-honesty) and the ability to live awake and aware).

 

There are many happy endings for couples who decide to uncouple; who admit honestly that their relationship has been unhealthy at best. For this, there can be no judgment, rather the understanding that they must first learn to be with themselves; to have a mutually exclusive and loving relationship with who they are and as they seek to become their best self in so that they may attract the best possible partner.

 

 

 

Sharing the wisdom and beauty of divine love with you...

Namaste!

 

If you have a question or if you would like my guidance or help, please reach out to me:  dorothy@dorothyratusny.com

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A generous 'thank you' to Audio Engineer, P. Kirpikau for your excellent work!  radioplato

Podcast Theme Music: 'Aura' from the Album, Illuvia by Eternellwww.eternell.net/album/illuvia

Accompanying Music: Eternell, 'Eden'